you’re my virus.
you’re a virus, at least in my world. you infect everything, every thought, every moment, everywhere, reminders of you.
if i didn’t love you, it would be annoying. can this other person just leave my consciousness? i see you in little moments throughout my day to day routine. a song i know you like is playing in starbucks, i see a t-shirt that i think you’d like in the mall, i see a picture online that i know would make you laugh. you are a constant. my constant. so consistent. the only thing i can rely on anymore is the fact that everyday is another one spent thinking about you. i try not to sometimes, not because i don’t want to (in fact, this idea often makes it worse) but because you are the biggest distraction imaginable.
i welcome you, my virus. you’re the highlight of my life, you infectious soul. you have no idea how much you plague me.
you like to talk a lot. so do i.
sometimes you listen, sometimes you don’t.
sometimes i listen, sometimes i don’t.
but the fact that you want to share every detail of your day with me is something i’ll never take for granted.
you’re my world and everything in it.
we wear matching christmas jumpers. you wash my hair in the bath. you play your band’s latest songs to me, i tell you my favourite bit is yours. i butter your toast in the mornings, you marmite mine. i play with your hair while you sleep. you hold my hand under the table. we visit your folks, we visit mine. you stroke my neck while we watch 90’s kids films. you always forget the shopping list when we go to the store. you always steal the covers. yours is a jack and coke, just like mine. you play guitar, i sing along. we roll each other joints. i squeeze your leg when you drive. we share bottles of wine. we dare each other to cook offs, more shots, who can swim the fastest in the pool. you buy me flowers, just because. you leave your dirty socks on the floor, i pick them up. i forget all the important dates in the calendar, you mark them red for me. i always take pictures, you’re always updating your facebook status. you kiss my forehead, i kiss your nose. you’re always the big spoon.
you’re the sugar in my coffee. you’re my morning cigarette. you’re the feeling of sitting down after a long shift at work. you’re the strings on my guitar. you’re my midnight munchies.
you’re my world and everything in it.
when my mind wanders, it always wanders to you. little memories of the last few days we’ve spent together, limbs tangled around each other, your thick bed of chest hair that i can’t help but play with, our matching breathing patterns, the tickle of your beard, the taste of a joint still lingering on your lips when we kiss. i miss it in the sense that i want it now. i want it again. and again and again. over and over.
you call them naked sundays. i call them sexy sundays. they both suit. i’ll get up to get food in my underwear, you stroll around naked putting on another documentary. we eat, we skin up, we turn off the lights and slot together under the sheets.
these moments where it’s just us, i’ll be me and you be you. we talk and we laugh and we smoke and we tell each other stories and facts of knowledge we learnt from QI. you tell me about the new band you’re in. i tell you about my dissertation. we fumble under the sheets, ignoring the migration habits of the black browed albatross, flashing on my computer screen.
i’ve realised it doesn’t matter what we do together, whether it’s a sexy sunday, an evening of sharing music or a night out, it feels right sat next to you, laughing about inside jokes we already have, meeting your friends, you meet mine, playing footsie under the table and buying each other drinks because we don’t know how to say ‘i like you’ yet. these are exciting times, these precious little memories, where we learn each other’s rhythms, tell each other secrets and plan adventures.
and i guess, what i’m trying to say is, i dig you. and i think you dig me too.
of course i fancy you.
i fancy you because you have the most intense brown eyes, you have an awesome beard, you dress nice and your smile makes my day.
i fancy you because you’re interesting and we have in depth and lengthy conversations, we share a lot of interests and the same things make us laugh.
i fancy you because you’re passionate and driven, you’re creative and motivated and you have a love for what you do.
but right now, that doesn’t matter. i just want to know more. it helps that i enjoy looking at your handsome face while you continue to intrigue, educate and entice me with your charm some more.
i miss the days where i meant shit to you, i miss the days where spending time with me was important to you, i miss the days when compromise happened both ways, i miss the days of kind words and gentle kisses, i miss the days of laughter and fun - not tension and unease. everything’s changing and i’ve spent so long ignoring it, but everytime i feel like this i tell myself that things will change, but it never happens. if anything ever hurts you, you never tell me, nothing’s constructive, only destructive. one day you can be my knight in shining armour, the next the serpeant with a sharp tongue and a cold heart.
i don’t know where i stand or how to act or which ‘you’ i’m talking to today. i feel sick to my stomach just being honest like this, my hands are shaking and my eyes are welling up.
i can tell people all these things about you, and they’ll just tell me to get rid, but it’s not that simple when you can be so incredible. i hold onto the hope that the beautiful you will be around more than the cruel one. i’m trapped and i know either way, i’ll feel hurt and fucked up for a long time, which makes me completely unsure of what to do.
what an odd thing unrequited love is.
while i study your perfect features, you study my flaws. there’s many ways that this affects the poor hopeless lover. it can sometimes plague in the sense of a poor self esteem or a crippling sense of ‘un-purpose’?
i fall in love everyday.
i dream of a different life everyday.
one where i am complete, where you fit so gently around me when we spoon. no person is completed by the presence of another, however i don’t think any person should have to be romantically alone.
i know i come across as the perfect girl to many boys, but never to the right one.
i attract losers, creeps and nobodies.
this may be the first time i like a ‘nice boy’, one who i didn’t think had a bad bone in his body, one who doesn’t have to be a dick to get my attention, one who makes me laugh before he makes me swoon.
but maybe there’s no such thing. no such person as that ‘nice guy’ for me. they’ve all been snapped up - leaving the douchebags, the losers, the creeps and the nobodies and my friends, who i can’t love beyond a beautiful friendship for fear of losing them.
it’s bullshit to think that with every new person that you love in your life, you replace that special someone from before. there’s been a few men in my life that i have loved, that have loved me, that have been just for sex, that i’ve hoped would be more than sex, that i’ve shared sexual tension with.
each one has left their mark. be it an inside joke, a smile shared, the way you kiss, the books we’ve read, the times i’ve fallen asleep on your shoulder, the discussions about politics we’ve had, the failed cooking experiments, the way you look at me, the family trips, the pillow talk, the weight of your hand in mine, the new things we learnt from one another, it all matters, and it always will.
you are a wound that has left a scar. scars can bring so many different things to the table, a frown, upset from a bad time to a smile from that stupid stunt that ended up badly because it turns out you were too drunk to balance. you are my scars, boys. all of you, collected in my memory.
i’m okay with the fact that my bed is empty tonight, because i know there was a time you once filled it.
i was so nervous. so were you. i could tell. we don’t know eachother that well, really, but there’s something about you i can’t put my finger on. something that is so infinitely attractive that i find myself captured by your smile everytime i glance across the room to return your gaze.
a mass of butterflies are in my stomach, we give eachother awkward smiles and banter and laugh and talk about things that neither of us really care about, just as an excuse to keep the other’s attention. we both know that tonight is going to be it, but we’re both too polite to mention it.
you walk me home, i unlock the door, my keys fall heavily on the side, you invite yourself in, make yourself comfortable. the smile on my face won’t stop stretching my cheeks and it’s not long before we’re both tangled in my bed sheets.
you’re incredible, in every way. you kissed me like i’ve never been kissed before, in such a way that it felt like you were kissing gold into my pores. you follow my curves, you make note of every freckle, you trace my scars with kisses, you pull my hair behind my ear and i can hear your smile amongst the deep breathing. our bodies fit together, and move together, tiny kisses planted on my forehead and cheeks as you move inside me.
you envelope me in your strong arms afterwards and hold me as the sun comes up. i go to sleep with a smile, and wake up with the exact same one. goddamn, mister. you know how to make this young lady happy.
we’re drunk. pretty crazy drunk, crunk if you like. we shared a bottle of rum before we came out and it went down a lot easier than expected. this kind of thing happens a lot, begin with tv programmes pn a friday night and a cheap bottle, only meaning to have a couple. before we know it, we’ve both got the giggles and we’re daring each other to do stupid things.
it’s 2am and we’re dancing together in a club, the bass pumping so loudly it feels like my heart is skipping beats. you’re next to me, trying out drunken dance moves that i can’t help but fall into stitches over.
have you ever heard of random moments of contentment? if you haven’t, they feel like this: you’re stuck in a moment where you know everything is perfect and for a split second the world goes in slow motion. you look around you and all around you has a rose tint. you’re content. with everything. your life, your friends, your job, everything. fate has decided this is the moment where everything is clear and beautiful.
and i had it with you, just then, on that grimy dance floor as you try to impress me with your 90’s get up moves and it brings a smile to my face that i can’t control. however much i love you, this isn’t about you, this is about life. and you’re a fitting little puzzle piece that’s helping make it all complete.